Chocolate Covered Raisins, Deer Poop, and a Prank

It was early. Damn early.  Day break was still more than an hour away.  I was in the kitchen waiting on the coffee pot, and I spied the bag of chocolate covered raisins.  They would make a nice snack for the road.  I grabbed a zip top baggie and put a handful in.  Coffee spewing out of the Keurig, I looked at the baggie.  Dayne would be here within 20 minutes.  Smiling as the wheels turned, I threw in another handful of raisins.

San Angelo, TX,  from my perspective, is either damn hot or damn cold.  Of course that might have something to do with only being there in two seasons a year.  Summer and winter.  It seems that there is no in-between weather.  Either the gnats are swarming, or they're all frozen.  And wasps.  Wasp spray is as necessary as sunscreen.  Yet I digress.  We, again, were there in the HOT season.  After cleaning up some old feeder pens we gathered back by the end of the flat bed drinking more water.

The ranch we hunted is a sheep ranch.  There are more sheep than deer.  And there are LOTS of deer.  Standing near a feeder, signs of both deer and sheep can be found:  Prints and poop.  As we talked he looked away, and I dribbled a handful of the chocolate covered raisins on the ground.

I looked down and said, "You know, I can't tell which of these are from sheep and which are from deer,  can you tell the difference?"  I bent down and picked up two real samples that were obviously different, (and I really don't know which was which).  I said "I can't tell the difference" as I pushed them around my palm.  He pointed at the smaller one and said "Pretty sure that's deer there".  "Yeah," I said, "I think you're right, its a little smaller and more oval."  (As if I had ever paid attention.)

I dropped those and picked a couple of the raisins.  "What about these, they look a little different, probably more fresh I think?".  " Oh yeah, those are deer.", he said.  "Huh,  I don't know, they're a little bigger", I said.  I brought them up to my nose and gave them a thorough sniff.  "I think you're right, smell like deer."  He gave me a questionable look.  I pondered them closely and dropped one, leaving just one in my palm.  I picked it up out of my palm with my fingers and smelled it again.  He was still looking at me in a funny way.  "I'm just not sure" and gave it another sniff, shaking my head, just not convinced.  I touched it to my tongue.  "Yeah, pretty sure, deer."  His eyes got big.  I carefully brought it to my mouth, reaching out with my teeth I bit off a small piece.  "Kendall, why are you eating SHIT?" he almost yelled.  I rolled it around my tongue like you might appraise a sip of wine.  "Deer," I said, and popped the rest in my mouth, bent down and picked up another, and reached into my pocket and grabbed a handful.

"WHAT THE HELL!" he yelled and was quickly backing up.  He was just in shock.  I walked towards him and started  popping them like candy.  "YOU ARE F-ING CRAZY!!!" he yelled in horror, backing away from me.  I said, "Hey that aren't bad, sort of an acquired taste.  Very organic".  I held my palm out and I swear he was gagging as he turned his back on me and stumbled away refusing to look at me.  I just couldn't keep a straight face and started laughing hysterically.  "GET AWAY FROM ME, GOD YOU'RE GROSS!" he yelled.  Laughing I said "They're chocolate covered raisins."  He looked at me dumbfounded.  It was perfect.  The perfect prank.

For the rest of the trip, he would just look at me and shake his head.  What are friends for?

A toothache and a prank

My first, and oldest friend, Dayne, whom I've know since we were 4 years old, is squeamish.  He also has a very sensitive sense of smell and is admittedly prone to barfing.  He and I were at the deer lease in the summer, preparing for the upcoming season.  I had an aggravated tooth that had been bothering me for a few days and I had been complaining a lot.

It was damn hot in San Angelo, TX that July.  We would work for a few minutes, clearing brush, setting posts, filling feeders, and then sit and guzzle water.  The gnats are awful in West Texas when its hot.  They're a constant annoyance and in your ears, nose, and eyes.  While we were at one location, I found the jawbone of a deer.  It was bleached white by the sun and coming apart.  One of the big molars pulled right out.  Hmm.  My wheels were spinning.  And my tooth really was bothering me.

A bit later, the tooth in my pocket, we were sitting in the truck, AC running, cooling off and drinking water.  My backseat was littered with bottles and there was a layer of hot dust on everything.  I was trying to set my phone up on the hot dash to record the upcoming prank.  Dayne told me my phone would overheat if I left it on the dash.  True, but I wasn't planning on it being there long. I couldn't get the damn thing to stand up straight, hence no video.  I gave up and complained about my tooth.  I was rubbing my gum like I had been all day.  He said, "Man that must really hurt.".  "Yeah it really does" I said, "I need some painkillers."  By this time I had eased the tooth out of my pocket and had it hidden in the palm of my right hand.

I reached up and was pulling on the tooth with my right hand, (which actually felt good), and then put my left up there for leverage.  I winced really hard and cried out, as if the tooth was coming out.  "What the hell, are you okay?" he said.  I said something profane and unintelligible and closed my eyes as the "tooth" started to come out.  "Oh shit I mumbled, as "it" came out.  My hands dropped hard as it came loose and I slammed my left hand over my mouth as my right hand fell to the console between us. Dayne had a look of horror on his face.  He was scooting away a little as I opened my right hand and left that big ugly deer molar on the console.  He screamed and was trying hard to get that door open and bail out as he was expecting a shower of blood.  I was hollering in pain and trying not to laugh my ass off.  He was moving as fast as he could trying to get away from my screaming and that ugly ass tooth.  Then I started laughing as he was stumbling away.  He yelled "WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!" as he looked at me like I was a zombie. It took a long moment for him to figure out that the tooth just didn't make sense and why I had gone from crying out in pain to laughing myself hoarse.  

It was priceless!