Boat Ramp Fails

What is it about owning a boat that brings out the ‘stupid’ in people?  I firmly believe that when a first time boat owner walks into his first boat store, the salesman should ask:  “May I see your stupid-card please?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your stupid-card”

“Why do I need a stupid-card?”

“Well the first reason is you’re buying a boat.  The second reason is because you are about to do a lot of really stupid things that are going to totally embarrass yourself and especially your kids, cost you a butt-load of money in repairs.  And you will manage to piss-off a game warden at least once.

*****

Yes, admittedly, I am a proud owner of the stupid-card.  I’ve been carrying it a very long time however, and rarely have to show it anymore – but I still keep it handy because you just never know.  Most of the mistakes, but not all, described below I have made in the past.  Some mistakes I’ll never admit to anyway.  My Dad had a boat as far back as I can remember.  Our first boat was an “Arkansas Traveler”.  It was 16 foot all aluminum with a 25 horsepower, really large, really green, Johnson engine.  By today’s standards, an engine with equal dimensions would be a 300HP rocket capable of propelling a bass fisherman down the lake at 80 MPH with his hair on fire.  But my brother and I learned to ski behind that old boat, on Lake Austin, in that cold water that I could just never get used to.

The ‘fails’ I bring up here are typical of that you see on any given summer day, on any given public boat ramp.  If you want to get some great video, take a lawn chair and head to the boat ramp at Mansfield Dam.  Boat ramps are great places to see people make some really bone-headed moves.  “Excuse me – but a fail like that one requires that I see your stupid-card please.”  Below I recall some good ‘fails’ and a couple of “epic fails’. 

Epic Fail #1

Sorry Dad, this story has to be retold via blog.  This event has been verbally handed down among friends and neighbors since 1974.  What is funny about this story is that my Dad was a veteran boat owner by this time.  He didn’t even carry his stupid-card anymore.  However this day, bless his heart, he needed it.

It was a busy Saturday at the boat ramps by the dam on Lake Austin.  People were everywhere.  We, (Mom, Dad, my sister Julie, and I), had been out enjoying ourselves doing some fishing and cruising.  As we arrived back at the boat ramp, everybody hopped out except me.  At 12 I was proud to able to drive the boat onto the trailer.  Dad went up the hill to get the car – a 1972 Mercury, in pale green.  I waited while he backed the car down the ramp, positioning the trailer at just the right spot.  He placed the car in park and turned it off.  He then got out and came around to the pier, which put him on the passenger side of the car.  Suddenly Murphy reared his ugly head and the car slipped out of park.  It’s shocking how quickly the family car can roll down the boat ramp right before your eyes.

Just FYI, unlike a 1972 VW Beetle, a 1972 Mercury will not float.

So here we are, Dad scrambling across the roof of the car trying to get into it to apply the brakes but the driver’s door was jammed shut by the water pressure.  Mom is yelling something incoherent about the situation, my sister is crying, and I’m trying to figure out how my Dad, company executive and boat owner extraordinaire, just managed an epic fail at the boat ramp.  By the time the tow truck hooked onto it, the entire car was underwater.  Park police:  “Excuse me sir, I’ll be needing to see your stupid-card”.   Dad replies, “I don’t have it with me.  Its at home.” … Silence and a blank stare follow… “l’ll wait.”

Moral of the story:  Use your parking brake.

Epic Fail #2

This fail took place at the uppermost boat ramp on the Pedernales River on Lake Travis:  Camp Pedernales.  I’m pleased to say I was simply a witness to this tragedy. 

Pulling up to the boat ramp, I put my five bucks into the envelope and dropped it into the honesty box.  Oh good, only one guy on the ramp.  No line.  I’ll be on the water in five minutes.  I whipped the truck around and backed into the “on-deck” position for the ramp.  And waited.  Chatting it up with my wife I looked down and could see the man standing at the back of his truck looking very busy near the hitch area.  He was keeping his wife very busy behind the wheel, waving his arms, “come back, back,  BACK, STOP, TOO FAR, FORWARD!  DAMMIT WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING?!”. 

At this point I assumed there was an issue.  I pulled the man-card out of my wallet and sauntered down to see if I could offer some of my expert assistance.  This poor guy was beyond frustrated.  He was unable to get the bow of the boat to slide up to the bumper at the front of the trailer to get the cable attached.  In an effort to get the trailer at the correct height, he had lifted the trailer off the ball so that the trailer was hanging from the truck by the safety chains.  “COME BACK, BACK! BACK!  STOP!!!”  Since the trailer was not directly attached to the truck, the top of the trailer and bow of the boat painfully slammed into the truck, adding a nice feature to the formerly perfect tailgate.  At this point I could hear a harsh sound coming from under the boat.  Taking a closer look I see that  one of the carpeted runners, that support the boat on the trailer, was in pieces and just floating up from under the boat.  Then I see the other.  Both were completely rotted out. Some large waves came in and as the boat bounced on the trailer I could here the echo of the hull bouncing directly on the steel brackets meant to support the carpeted runners. I pointed it out to him and he turned a different shade of grey.  He climbed in and I helped push the boat off.  He told his wife to go on back.    I didn’t have the heart to ask for his stupid-card.

Moral of the story:  it might be a good idea to inspect your trailer every now and then.

Fail #3

This fail I can personally claim from about 1990.  This also took place at Camp Pedernales, site of Epic Fail #2.   Fortunately it happened during the week and there were no witnesses.  After dropping my cash in the honesty box I turned the truck around and start backing.  But something was wrong as the trailer was struggling to go in a straight line.  As I get out of the truck I see the wheel on the left side of the trailer is nearly laying on its side.  There really wasn’t anything holding it in place.  The bearings in the wheel had  “smoked” while on the road, the lug bolts broken, and only pure luck had gotten me as far as the boat ramp.  What was left of the hub was sizzling hot.

I managed to back the boat and trailer into a parking place. I then found the owner and was assured he wouldn’t mind me leaving it there for a day – but he asked to see my stupid-card just in case.  I had it handy for him.  Using the jack from my truck, and a pair of slip-joint pliers, I managed to get the axle off the trailer and into the back of the truck.  Rods and reels stowed, I sadly left my boat alone under the trees and headed to the house to search the yellow pages for a replacement axle.  Oh the joys of boat ownership.

Moral of the story:  Grease your wheel-bearings.

Fail #4

This rather humorous one took place at the Loop 360 Ramp on Lake Austin some number of years ago.  It was only so funny because the new boat owner was just…stupid.

After waiting in line for a few long minutes and watching several entertaining attempts to launch, here comes Mr. Confident pulling his boat out of the water.  But rather than raise the lower unit on his inboard/outboard, he had left the lower unit all the way down.  As he drove the truck forward and up the ramp, the boat settled onto the trailer and the skeg, previously safely above the pavement, was now digging a trench and simultaneously grinding away, leaving a trail of aluminum shards.  People were yelling and waving their arms.  Once he finally figured out the crowd was trying to tell him something he stopped and put the truck in park and it rolled back a foot or so firmly locking the lower unit into a wedge between the truck and pavement.  He tried to use the hydraulics to raise the prop, but the lower unit was so wedged into place that he couldn’t raise it. 

Moral of the story:  Make a checklist of things that MUST be done prior to putting the boat in the water, e.g. Remove straps, insert plugs.  Also requires checklist for coming out of water, e.g. Raise big motor, turn off electronics.

Fail #5

Two years ago when the Mansfield Dam ramps were down to one, I was waiting patiently to pull my boat out as a guy was struggling with his two jet skis on the trailer parked on the ramp, just out of the water.  There were several vehicles queued up to use the ramp.   I was trying my best not to go ask for his stupid-card.  As it turns out the game wardens were at the ramp and one saw what was happening.  He walked over and said something very harsh like, “GET THIS TRAIN WRECK OFF THE BOAT RAMP!”, and pointed very animatedly.  It’s amazing how fast you can get things moving when a game warden gets in your face. 

Fail #6

This relates to many instances of boat owner stupidity that occurs at every boat ramp.  Rather than take advantage of time while waiting on the ramp to free up, some newer owners will wait until they are on the ramp before they start gearing up.  With the boat ramp now blocked by him, he’ll have the four kids out of the truck, into life jackets, apply sunscreen, and ice down the drinks.

“Excuse me, shall I just put some charcoal on and grill our chicken while we wait for you to figure out which side of the life jacket is the front?

Fail #7

You can always tell the new boat owner at the ramp.  He’s the one who has never backed a trailer before and chooses to attempt it with an eight feet wide boat on a ramp that is ten feet wide.  His wife is usually standing near the boat ramp and not meeting any ones eyes.   “Please proceed to the high school parking lot for trailer-backing practice.  But first, I’ll be needing to see your stupid-card.   By the time he has made it to the water a crowd has gathered to watch the festivities and some enterprising person has started selling souvenir T-shirts.

Here is a short list of my own boat ramp fails:

1)   Forgot to insert plugs.  Flooded boat.

2)   Dragged the lower unit of the outboard motor up the ramp.

3)   Stepped up on the trailer tongue to tie boat on and slipped and busted my shin.  Almost required stitches.

4)   Forgot to remove straps that tie the back of the boat down to the trailer.  The boat is just not big enough to float the trailer and itself.

5)   Forgot to unclip the front of the boat from the trailer.  It will not come off very well when you do that.

6)   Failed to turn off the GPS and Satellite receiver.  This caused the battery to go dead.  After a 4 day hard freeze this winter the battery was rendered useless.

 

Like they say, owning a boat is like pouring your money into a hole in the water and the two best days of boat ownership are the day you bought it and the day you sold it!